sigh, xanga...i've missed you!

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately and i figured that i have been very enthusiastic about being the best in whatever it is i can get myself into...yet these are merely words of encouragement for myself and i haven't really done anything about them. that's why i'm planning on re-establishing every goal i've set for myself last school year.

Here's a glimpse:

1. unless necessary or very important to keep these ties, i promise that i will stop talking to most of the guys that i've kept in touch with. although i've been pretty good at it from the beginning of the year, i've been slacking off since the start of fall.

Personal reminder:"[In the nature of things,] corrupt women are for corrupt men, and corrupt men, for corrupt women - just as good women are for good men, and good men, for good women. [Since God is aware that] these are innocent of all that evil tongues may impute to them,  forgiveness of sins shall be theirs, and a most excellent sustenance!" (24:26)

2. a Qur'an verse a day keeps the mind from going astray. people can get too large of a dose of their own religion in one day. unfortunately, i thought i did so i figured that i would need to save a month or two months to truly get an "eman rush" (get hyped of my faith). but that's not the case. to be totally honesty, i just KNOW my lazy butt won't be dedicating my entire winter break to just increasing my Islamic knowledge, know matter how cool that sounds. so, i'll see what i can do a day at a time to have some practical consistency while school is in session.

Personal reminder:"And this [Qur'an], too, is a divine writ which We have bestowed from on high, a blessed one: follow it, then, and be conscious of God, so that you might be graced with His mercy." (6:155)

3. go on diet. no, not a diet from food...but rather from my terrible habit of eating the flesh of a fellow Muslim brother. (if you haven't figured it out yet, i'm talking about gossiping!). i have be come too relaxed and quick to gossip about others. i need to spread the important and positive news about someone instead of going on and on about how horrible a person is. after all, it takes a jerk to know a jerk, right?!

Personal reminder:"The Prophet said, "None of you will have faith till  he wishes for his brother what he likes for himself." AND "God's Apostle said, "Whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should talk what is good or keep quiet, and whoever believes in Allah and the Last Day should not hurt (or insult) his neighbor..." (Sahih Bukhari)

4. watch my health. bengali girls are known for building a gut at an early age! i'm definitely trying to take better care of myself because i don't own my body...the Lord does it's my responsibility and i will be held accountable for it's maintenance. sigh so, this means i need to visit the gym 5:30 am every week at least!

Personal reminder: "...on the Day when their own tongues and hands and feet will bear witness against them by [recalling] all that they did!" (24:24)

5. "Proactive" will by my middle name. i hope you're not thinking about the acne treatment you see on tv i'm talking about always being a step ahead in the right direction. how would i learn to ever conquer my fears if i don't learn on my own?

Personal reminder: "Whereas anyone - be it man or woman - who does [whatever he can] of good deeds and is a believer withal, shall enter paradise, and shall not be wronged by as much as [would fill] the groove of a date-stone." 4:124

"Keep yourselves far from envy...

      because it eats up and takes away good actions...

                     like a fire eats up and burns wood."

i found it. my longing to feel selfish. if there ever was a time i could actually call myself snobby, this would be it  

for once in my life, friends' opinions don't come first...

my sisters' safety doesn't overcome my own...

and i could care less about who's throwing a huge party at what part of town.

of course, i'm assuming (and PRAYING) that this is temporary.

it's such a foreign feeling to just not care. it's just too easy to do.

yet i'm not complaining, because friends won't be paying for my rent or getting me a PhD. my parents will. and also my 200 jobs  

so i'm ready, world, for all the challenges you throw to me. yes, to me...not at me. because i'm asking for it. for the past two years, i've moved from accomplishing to failing to learning how to get back to the top. more than ready to beat my record in everything i was good at from the past.

got nothing to lose

"thhak, khati hok..."

i was at an aunt's place in Bangladesh. it was lunch time, and i was in the middle of my second serving of home-cooked Indian goodness. my uncle, after staring at my hands for a couple of minutes, asked "you bite your nails?!"

i quickly hid my hands under the table as the color of my cheeks started to match my pink outfit. "um yeah, it's a habit that i'm afraid i can't stop." i shuffled in my seat uncomfortably.

my uncle smiled. "ya know, i'm really proud of you for wearing a hijab [headdress]. i've raised two sons for the last 25 yrs and so i find you as my own daughter. that's why i really hope you won't mind what i'm about to say...biting your nails is not a healthy habit. there's a reason why you have them. you are doing much harm to yourself when you bite them and the Lord grew it back every time you did. can you imagine, then, what would happen if He just said 'thhak, khati hok' one day?"

thhak, khati hok. "that's it; let there be harm."

i never thought of it like that. if i keep up with bad habits, minor or major, and i keep rely on God to protect me every time, then how will i ever learn to protect myself when the Just Lord that i know gives me a test in this life?

so now, i feel like asking everyone i know..."what if God said 'thhak, khati hok'?"

...'thhak, khati hok' when an alcoholic takes another sip, and he falls ill?

...'thhak, khati hok' when a woman has premaritial sex, and then is unable to give birth?

...'thhak, khati hok' when a wealthy man boasts, and then loses all his money?

...'thhak, khati hok' when a child disrespects his parents, and he then becomes an orphan?

 i've only got one body and one lifetime to respect what's been given to me. the least i can do is be humble, and take care of my responsibilities, like not biting my nails!

i don't know how others lead their lives but i sure don't want to risk getting a 'thhak, khati hok'...

Mother's Day

i went to a party yesterday: a mother's day get-together just for the ladies. as sweet as this may seem, it was BORINNGGG! but at least the food was good.

a girl sang a hindi song for her mom..

another made a painting of blooming flowers...

a couple of other danced for their moms...

&  i gave my mom sunblock.

that's right. sunblock. because it's more personal than any of the gifts the other girls gave. you see, my mom comes home with a red t-zone everyday at 5pm. she walks in with a purse with a ripped up handle in her right hand, and a laptop case/bag with textbooks, highlighters, the grading scale guide & anything else you could possilby think a teacher may need other than a laptop. she usually limps a little across the floor and makes her way to the sofa. i asked her why she limps so much. "my heels hurt." i look down at her torn fading shoes. all the vaseline the world couldn't fix that.

so the week 4 to 5 days before mother's day, i got her sunblock...

 & a foot cream.

& a purse.

i didn't know what kind of shoes she'd wear. if i did, i'd buy that for her too. my sisters gave her gifts too. my second sister gave her excuses and a headache. my youngest one gave her screams and exhaustions. i never said they were nice gifts

"you didn't have to spend your money on me" she said. okay mom, next time, i'll just get you an apartment in japan, a house in new york, free rides to the mosque and many weeks of unforgivable labor...3 times. i'll see if i can return the favor. except i can't. so, i gave her what she needed the most: a step towards self-confidence, a child's love and an amazing complexion.

bring it on, hindi song!